The Price of Being A Hero
by maniyak
Summary: Being a superhero, even a small one, comes with many wounds-which eventually turn to scars. At least, thanks to Peter's abilities, they usually heal fast. But there are some wounds even the enhanced healing can't heal.


It's not easy being a superhero; Peter learned that the hard way.

He's never on time for anything and his promises are always broken. He can't help it, when he hears someone ask for help, his life comes to a halt. It has to. There isn't anybody else that would be able to help if he doesn't. Of course there are the Avengers; Tony, Natasha, Clint and all, but they don't come out to the public anymore. Not for the small stuff, at least. But Peter's there. He is always there.

He feels the effects of his actions though, both good and bad. People smiling, thanking him and cheering when he passes above them on the street. They are protected and most of them are thankful for it.

But the effects of his actions are not all sunshine and rainbows. Not everything he does end with success. Every time he is too late to save someone, every time he feels helpless, every time he is alone under a collapsing building, it takes a toll on him. He had long gotten used to the never-ending bruises and cuts, but he doesn't know how many more nightmares and attacks he can endure. Exhaustion is settled in his bones, never getting better even on the rare nights he manages to sleep longer than a couple hours. Sleeping for long hours doesn't happen often as he is usually awaken from his nightmares with his hair wet from sweat and mouth full of bile. On those rare nights he does sleep, he wakes up restless, as if he hadn't slept a wink. He tries not to crack under it, tries to be more cheerful and active and all of those horrible things, but he can only hide it for so long.

May notices it way sooner than others, but Peter doesn't let her in. She tries to help of, course, calling the school to get him out of trouble for heroing and trying to leave her job as early as possible to check on him. Peter appreciates it, really, but he asks her for some time to pull himself together. She doesn't know the full extent of his damage, doesn't know about the nightmares that leave him vomiting or the panic attacks that leave him shaking, so it's easier to get her off of his back. She just thinks he doesn't sleep. He promises that he will be okay, but even as he says it, it feels like giving another promise he won't be able to keep.

Ned is worried too. It doesn't take long for him to see his best friend's state is getting worse. He doesn't know what to do or who to ask, as Peter's secret weighs heavy on his tongue.

Even Tony knows something is up, but he doesn't pry. Don't get him wrong he does care for Peter, maybe even more than he wants to admit, but he doesn't want to act overly protective. Besides, the kid is a genius who is going through puberty, so god knows what he does instead of sleeping. Maybe he was tweaking his web's formula or inventing something anew. Or maybe he was just doing his homework. Peter (for a reason Tony couldn't fully understand) really worried about his homework.

However, after two months, it comes to the point where Tony can't ignore the fact that the kid is not getting better. After a particularly bad night, Peter almost falls to his death when he passes out of exhaustion while leaping in between buildings, trying to catch a burglar. Thankfully, Karen immediately notifies Tony and one of his empty suits catches him before Peter plummets to the ground. When he wakes up in the Avengers Tower, he tries to tell Tony that he is fine, but Tony is already on the phone with Aunt May.

Peter hates the way Tony's face twists with worry and guilt as he speaks with May. He hates how he can hear May cry over the phone with his enhanced hearing. Most of all, he hates how he doesn't even have the energy to get up from the couch he is lying on, yet alone to console May or assure Tony about his state. Tears well up in his eyes as he desperately tries to blink them away before Tony ends his call. He can't and Tony sees his eyes, but he doesn't comment on them. Instead he glances away, his eyes filled with guilt.

Guilt for not being there for the kid when he needed him. Guilt for ignoring the signs.

"How bad are they?"

Peter looks at him, taken aback. When Tony doesn't hear an answer, he looks at Peter intently. "The nightmares, kid. How bad are they?"

"W-what?" How does he know? Peter's mind races. May couldn't have told him about them. Even she didn't know much about them.

"Have you started waking up in cold sweat? Muscle spasms?" Tony gulps nervously. "Sleepwalking?"

Peter sniffs and stutters. "N-no. No s-sleepwalking. Vomiting."

Tony rubs his eyes in an act of distress before settling with his hands under his chin. "Any panic attacks? Flashbacks?"

Peter avoids his gaze.

Tony mumbles a "Jesus Christ" under his breath and turns around to tap a few things on his tablet. Peter shifts nervously as Tony continues to tap. "Don-Don't tell May."

Tony's hand hovers over the tablet for a second before tapping a few more times and turning back around with a sigh. "I won't. But you should."

"I don't w-want her to worry."

"She is already worried, and she has every right to be." He inhales deeply, trying to calm himself. "You almost died today kid, don't you see? You need help, you can't go on like this."

"I'll be fine."

"You'll be worse. Nightmares won't ever go away if you don't do anything."

Peter scoffs. "I should be able to handle a couple of bad dreams."

"A couple…? Are you kidding me?" Tony stands up and walks close to the giant screen. "Wanna see how fine you actually are? Friday, open the vitals from spider suit's baby monitor program, subsection two-seven-one and run an analysis."

As the descending graph appears on the screen, Tony turns back to face Peter. "I know you hacked the suit but I can still reach your vitals when I connect the suit manually. Now let's see it shall we? I'm guessing you already vomited twice last night and five times since the start of the week, and it's only Wednesday! The total amount of sleep you had last week is less than twelve hours! Jesus fuck, you are so far from fine that I'm surprised you can even say the word!"

Peter can feel the world turn around him even as he sat but he can't help the boiling anger at the pit of his stomach. "What will you do, take the suit away again?"

"Why, so you can die in a week?"

"At least I won't dirty your million dollar suit!"

Tony locks eyes with him. "Don't play this game with me, Underoos. You aren't the only genius with PTSD in this room."

A momentary silence falls upon them as Peter processes what he said.

"W-what?"

Tony walks back to the couch across Peter and sits with a sigh. "You need help, Peter. Believe me when I say you do."

"I-I have PTSD?"

As if it was possible, Tony's face twists even more with guilt. "We have to talk to a professional and Pepper, to be sure, but you have the same symptoms as I did at the beginning. You even look the same way I used to."

Peter looks at his reflection from the window, his science t-shirt crumpled and his eyes dull. He can't imagine Tony like that.

"I was too stubborn. I ignored the signs and refused to get help. I was destructive, no, self-destructive, would be more accurate. Nights were hell, but days were worse. Almost killed me."

Peter's eyes widens and he shudders. Tony sees it. "But it doesn't have to go like that, Pete. I told you, I want you to be better than I am. And you can be."

Peter takes a moment to process everything. He doesn't want to believe it. It scares him.

"You don't look like me right now," says Peter, hesitantly, "Are you okay?"

Tony can hear the underlying ' are you healed?' He doesn't know the answer, or at least doesn't want to face it, so he does what he does best: Reflect and play it cool.

"Sure, I'm good as new. You can see the difference from my drool-less t-shirt." He gets up and goes to his desktop where he can play with his gadgets. Anything to keep him busy, really.

"Really?"

"Pete, look at me. I'm not only okay, I'm glorious ."

Tony waits to hear the familiar snicker. It never comes.

Instead, Peter locks eyes with him, just like he've done a couple minutes ago. "Mr Stark, you aren't the only genius with PTSD in this room."

Tony would have laughed, if he wasn't so full of guilt and worry. He chooses to glare at Peter instead. Peter tries to muster up a tired smile, but it's a fake one.

It breaks Tony's heart.

"It gets better." Tony starts, forcing himself remember the painful healing process. "It's not easy, especially at the beginning. You have to think and talk about it during therapy, and nightmares don't stop overnight. It hurts. But then you'll start having good days. A few, at first. Then slowly there will be more good days than there are bad ones. The nightmares will become rare." He takes a breath, trying to steady himself. "It's not cured. It's like a scar in your brain and you can't heal scars. There will be some bad days. But it will be manageable. It'll get better. You'll get better."

Peter's voice is almost inaudible after a moment of silence. "I'm scared."

Tony gives a small smile. "I'd be more concerned if you weren't." He gives Peter the thing he made from the gadgets his hand had found while they were talking. It's a small spider. "Now that we settled all this, we've got to schedule your appointments."

Peter's almost shocked at how fast everything was happening. "The appointments?"

"For therapy, you know, with the shrink." Tony taps on his tablet a few times and Peter's schedule popped up. "I'll start you off with four days a week for now, but we'll see what Wilson will say."

Peter looks up, startled. "Four days a week? Mr Stark, I can't- Aunt May is already-"

Tony doesn't even need to hear the end of Peter's sentence to know what he's worried about. "Kid you do realize I'm a billionaire, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then zip it."

Peter knows better not to argue, so he waits as Tony reprogrammed his schedule and wrote a quick email. Then Tony comes next to him, offering his hand. "Come on, up up."

Peter slowly stands up, mostly leaning on Tony. Tony leads them towards the elevator and takes Peter two floors down. As they start walking towards an unfamiliar corridor, Peter can't help but ask: "Where are we going?"

"To Wilson of course. You didn't think I would leave you alone after this, did you?" Surely enough, the door at the end of the corridor has 'Jack Wilson' written next to it. Peter involuntarily leans more on Tony.

"Don't worry Underoos. It's horrible. You'll love it."

For the first time in weeks, Peter genuinely smiles.


End file.
